Well, I don't really keep a journal anymore--and I really should. I also don't scrap book either. Jon is AWESOME at recording things and we have a lot of family movies, which I think is the best "scrap-book" of all because you can actually hear and see what we have done. But it is really nice to ponder and explain my own feelings and thoughts as I raise my family and move forward in this "test" of life. So I am warning you, this is really long, it has many of my ponderings as of late. I don't care if nobody ever reads it, but at least I have written it down somewhere and it is a nice way to sort out my thoughts. So here it goes.
Sometimes it is hard to keep the eternal perspective that this life is really just a test for us to proove ourselves and eventually become Gods ourselves. All I really want more than anything is to be with Jon forever and to see my children find a spouse that they love and want to be with forever. I have been pondering a LOT on being a mom lately. I really was getting tired of the constant house-work and the little tasks I have to do each day. After having Amelia, things had really gotten disorganized and I just felt like things were piling up and I couldn't keep up with it all. I would have to say that I really needed a break. So, the opportunity came up to go on a trip with the kids (Jon couldn't take off work) and my parents down to Arizona. I went. I was tired of the house, of the messes and of the cold dreary winter. Some sunshine really sounded wonderful!
So we went and got to see my little brother Jay--really fun to see him at his school and spend a little time with him. I stayed with Jon's sister, Kathy and my parents stayed with my brother, James and his wife, Emily who had just had a baby--my parents went down to help out with the newborn. Kathy and James are in the same ward! Pretty ironic, really! Jon's other sister, Mary is also in the same ward with them as well--so we got to see her and her kids also. It was a really nice opportunity to spend some time with several different family members all in one trip!
I would have to say for me the nicest thing was to get to know Kathy and her family better and to see how she ran her household. It was so good for me and such a reminder of my responsibility as a mother and to find joy in it. I think I find myself trying to do so many other things that I want to do or "need" to do that I get crazy and busy and then I don't get anything done and cause stress to my kids and husband. When I first came home I was actually quite depressed and I wasn't sure exactly what it was--I had such a wonderful time in Arizona and I really missed what I felt there. It was hard to come back to my disorganized home with all it's funny little problems--like the silverware drawer falling out if you pull it all the way open, or the lack of any space for things in the bathrooms so the counters are full of stuff, the carpet that I hate because it still looks gross the minute after you vacuum it, the disorganization of the kids room and all the rooms really. I just didn't have a nice enough home to keep up nicely like Kathy did--and I was also being really bothered at how much we are paying to be living in an old home with so many inconveniences when with the current market you could get a much larger and nicer home for what we paid for ours. I was also frustrated and hurt from people in my neighborhood and my calling. Finances are ALWAYS a struggle. I do so much to live so tight and we do live so tight and I wanted some financial freedom. I thought about how we could have some financial freedom if we weren't paying so much for our house. I really wanted to just leave. To move and start somewhere else all fresh and new without people getting on my case for not doing things how they wanted them done, have a smaller house payment, have a budget that isn't just enough to buy food and an occasional something here and there. I was depressed needless to say and didn't know how I was going to get on top of it. It starts with prayer, that's for sure. Really it's the Sunday School answers, plus some physical exercise--for me, running is my anti-depressant, mind you, I don't just feel like running all the time and when I am running consistently, I often am actually getting less sleep and when you are down, you are much more tired, so it is pretty hard to convince yourself that you should get up early to exercise (because I have to get up really early to run), but when I am running consistently, I can handle things much better and I am able to clear my mind and think and ponder on things better, not to mention my body feels better--so running for me helps physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. If you have depression problems (which I think everyone does--it's just everyone deals with it differently--get spiritually and physically active). Amy's Theory: Spiritual + Physical = Mental and Emotional stability. Well, I could do a whole blog post on that! But not for now, sorry for the tangent.
So back to my strugglings--I was praying and searching for what, I don't know--something. I wanted to find the joy and peace I felt at Kathy's home, but I didn't want to be Kathy, I just wanted to feel content with what I have and where I am at in my life. And if I was supposed to be or do something different, I wanted to know what that was. I started to run consistently. I made some phone calls I needed to make to clear some things up with some people. I was scared to do it, but I prayed to be able to do it, be strong, but not rude or angry and it went just fine. I found a running buddy (if you are having a hard time getting up, get a running buddy that you have to meet--then you will really go).
I started to realize that the reality of it was not the nice home. I know plenty of people with nice homes and theirs' aren't what I was looking for--it's the spirit of the home--and the homemaker is the main creator of that. I knew that our home was a blessing and that when we bought it, it was where we felt we were supposed to be. We were making it financially--barely, but I had been blessed to be able to live tight, to not let lack of fashion, and fashionable kids, and whatnot get to me--because we just can't worry about that. We are to be nice and comely. We are clean and that's good enough.
But I really was searching for something--I still felt discontent and like something wasn't right--I just wasn't at peace yet, but I was starting to feel better about things. I was praying to learn and do what I needed to learn and do. I also was praying to cherish and enjoy my children more and the more I prayed for help in cherishing being a mom and cherishing my children, the more I was remembering to sincerely work on cherishing and loving my children and being a mom.
I can't actually put my finger on it to be honest. But here I am almost 2 months later and I am a different person. I am a different mother. I have a whole new perspective and I really am not sure what it was that was bothering me so very much before, or I should say why it was bothering me so very much before. There are definitely things that bother me and get to me, but I can move on. It is really amazing to me. I am loving my children so much more, I have been gradually getting my home in better order, I have been enjoying cooking new meals and taking care of my families physical needs, and I really feel like there is a change in my life.
I would call it "born-again motherhood". I know being a mom can be so hard, but I also know Satan wants us to be discontent with it. We are here to raise these spirits so that they can accomplish what they are meant to do. I look at my children differently and with a love and joy that I wasn't feeling a few months ago. I have felt it other times in my life, but I had let my frustrations and upsetness, and discouragement take those feelings over. My kids aren't different, they aren't amazingly good and obedient (though they are good kids that often amaze me at just how good they really are at times) and they do fight and get upset. But who doesn't?
We are all people and we all have feelings and emotions. We have to decide how we will handle and act out on our feelings and emotions. Are we going to let them get to us and get us down? Or are we going to address them, and move on realizing that some of them we can't do anything about and some of them we can. The main thing is to keep an eternal perspective. This life is a test--a time to prove ourselves worthy to attain eternal life with our loved ones. It was after the earthquake in Japan that I thought, you know, if we all die in an earthquake, I am okay with that. I am ready when it is our time. I for sure don't want to leave my children of course, and I for sure don't want to leave this earth before I can raise my children (and I have made Jon swear to never get sealed to someone else if I were to die first--he can re-marry, just not get sealed--I am not a sharing my guy type of person).
But it hit me that it doesn't matter if we don't have a nice house, nice clothes, go on nice vacations, have nice cars, a fancy yard, or this and that. I already knew that deep down, but when you see so many people with nice things, clothes, going on big trips and so on, it is sometimes hard to keep that eternal perspective. All that matters is that we are righteous stewards over what we have been blessed with.
We actually do have a nice house (not according to the latest home designs) but we have a good home, we have nice clothes--they are clean, they are modest, we have nice cars--they work and they get us where we need to go, we do have plenty of food and plenty of things. We have more than enough. We are greatly blessed. I love my family so much. I love my children so much and I hope to raise them in righteousness and teach them and guide them so that they may make righteous choices when they are older and so that they may be happy.
I feel happy, I feel at peace. I have the same financial problems, I have the same house, I have what I had 2 months ago (well, except I bought new kitchen cabinets on ksl that are filling up my garge--so I don't have a garage to park my car in, but I do have the potential to have new cabinets in my kitchen--frankly, I am really excited about that) anyway, all that has really changed is me. I know I will have ups and downs all through my life, I know I have some coming up pretty soon here, but I know I can get through them. We all can.
